Loneliness

Today I felt exceedingly lonely...  It's difficult to explain the sheer magnitude of what I felt.  I made my best attempts at converting said emotion into a song, but it mostly ended with me crying softly into the piano.  My fingers curled under the weight of what I felt, and I found myself quite unable to make music efficiently.

I turned to words, thinking I would convert the emotion into words, at least.  But alas, that too failed, rendering me no major outlet for the pain; I was simply to endure it, and feel the extent of it fully.

Like a powerful river sweeping one off of their feet, so this stream of memories and emotions took their toll on me in causing a crack in the glass that holds back my inner sorrow from manifesting itself in my eyes.

Maybe I don't belong here.. Maybe I'd have better friends elsewhere

People who genuinely care about me; not just my brothers or people close to me.  Not because I'm useful or knowledgeable about things they need to know in the moment.. But people who have a real desire to be my friend, because they like me.

Maybe someday I'll meet people who don't just consider me an acquaintance that they talk to during social gatherings; a person to say 'hi' to every now and then, to try and make sure I don't feel lonely.

What if I'm not as messed up as I think?  What if it's just that I'm not around the right people.. these people just aren't wired right to love me.

Okay, something happened just a few seconds ago.  At the time of me writing this, it is now 2:06 A.M. I had made mention earlier of people only talking to me when they need me for something, namely important information that they need in the moment.  Well, one of the people I was referring to when writing this texted me just now.  My heart soared, and then I felt suddenly very sorry for feeling such things and writing all of this.  However, upon reading the text, my attitude changed..  All she texted me for was asking me a computer question.  No more.  No hello, now 'how are you?'.  Nothing.  Alas, time to take back my rightful place as one who is used, but never loved.  It seems that's been my role all along.

Though, ironic, isn't it?  I thought if I could be helpful enough, useful enough, great enough, people would love me.  But it turns out, I must just have something inherently wrong with my personality.  If only I hadn't a desire to feel loved, then life would be a lot easier.

Man, I have a really unstable emotional state right now, I sound much younger than I am.  I suppose this is me opening up nearly to the very core of who I am.. Maybe we're all still children at the depths of who we are, wondering what we're supposed to do with all these responsibilities time has thrown at us as we aged.

I have had one constant through this.  Why should I feel so downcast?  I have God, the Creator of the universe who loves me, and desires my love back even more so than I desire the love of these people who neglect me.  I have a constant, this is true.  For that, I am thankful.  Although, it does still hurt.

I need to go to bed; I'm going on an adventure tomorrow, to another land where there is someone who values my friendship, and not for the wrong reasons either.

Goodnight.