Internalize

It feels as if I'm unable to tap into my own mind; even worse than writer's block is when you feel you're no longer capable of writing.

I have a condition known as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  It makes it very difficult for me to do the things that I love; one of which being writing.

Any time that I try to think of an idea, or ponder on a complex or emotional concept, I feel the thought snatched away from me, and I simply sit idle, wasting time away hoping that if I can just find 'that perfect place' to write, or those 'perfect conditions' then I'll be able to think.

I used to write all the time in school.  Now I have idle time in front of a computer at work for the greater majority of the day.  Why can't I seem to focus anymore?

My hands are beginning to hurt when I type, too.  Maybe this is indeed the fall of my creative prestige.

Although, I know many of the world's most brilliant people and the best creative minds typically fought through some sort of disability.

So maybe this isn't an end at all... but rather a beginning.

Never give up.

Content

A man sat in a dusty old house, hunched over a desk forging power unrivaled.  A script: the perfect plan.  A plot that would enable one to successfully take over the world, if they were to follow it.

Years he had spent writing his scheme, but earlier that day, something had happened to him.  He became happy once again; his endless sorrows had ended.

The final stroke of the ink-dipped feather was made, and he then sat upright, staring at his finished product; a parchment of unparalleled power.

Then, without a word, he lifted it and held it over the candle that for so many years gave him the sight to create it.

Because: He was content.

Invisible Ink Makes for a Difficult Read

Writing can be just as addicting as reading.  The author is likely even more emotionally connected to the characters than the reader is.  And to be quite honest: Sometimes the author is just as excited to figure out what happens next as you are.

The Impossible

We all hear of those stories of handicapped people who do what most non-handicapped people would consider to be impossible for them to do.  Blind composers who are famous for generations, limbless drummers, Helen Keller, et cetera.

How do they do it?  It's because their concept of impossible is null and void.  We have all these abilities, but our minds hold us back.  With them, on the other hand.. their "impossible" is defeated every day in performing the things we consider to be easy.

Don't make excuses... make the impossible happen.

Solemnity

I hear three things right now.  One is fairly new, one is old, and another is ancient.
The pitter patter of rain against my window brings such an overwhelming feeling of nostalgia if you listen to it right.  That's the ancient sound.  Besides that, I hear the faint ticking of my wristwatch, which I still feel isn't really mine, as a friend accidentally left it with me and told me to keep it.  This sound can evoke a feeling of nostalgia as well; this is the old sound.  I suppose it's going to be common to hear the sound of computer technology in the future though, just like it's common to hear a wristwatch.  That's the third sound I hear, the new sound: my laptop, on which I'm typing this.

(You should listen to this while you read http://www.rainymood.com/)

     But I prefer to exclude the sound of my laptop from all of this.  It's not important.  What really means something to me are the other two sounds which I mentioned earlier; they delight my ears.  However, more than bringing delight to my ears, they bring delight to a part of my mind which thrives on strong emotions.  I feel peaceful and content in my room with these noises; I only wish that I had a hearth with a warm fire accompanied by a cup of hot cocoa in my hands.

     However, it's in sentimental moods like this that one could experience the magnification of whatever emotion is currently dominating them.  For example, if I was feeling exceptionally happy, such an environment would contribute to the already present happiness, and cause it to grow even more.

     But I'm not particularly happy at the moment. To be honest, I feel rather lonely lately.  There was once one with whom I talked with all the time, but that was a long time ago.  I try to share my thoughts with other's now, but they don't care to listen.  Though would it matter anyway?  I miss the one whom I used to speak with.  Now I write my thoughts on this blog, to the only ones who care to listen.  Do you want to know the sad truth though?  They don't exist.  I'm writing this to myself: no one reads my blog.

Sometimes You Just Need To Breathe

"Life is Like a Dream"

- Me

     I suppose the point of a blog is to write posts relevant to one's life, so this serves the purpose of doing that.  My life has been an interesting one: not lacking in sadness, but happy nevertheless.

     With the recent chaos of graduating high school coming to a close, I feel a new sense of life blossoming like a rose.  I've begun working full time at work, for ten hours a day, four days a week.  I make more than my mom, and close to my dad now, so I'd say that God's been treating me pretty well, considering I'm literally just out of high school.

     I bottle my emotions up too much, but I don't see any other way to release them. (Well, you're obviously not intelligent Mike, you have a blog, do it here!)  You don't understand though, emotions are a powerful substance, and to convert them into words has the potential to create anything from a exploding sense of joy, to a cutting edge sword that could pierce one's heart.  These emotions have the latter of the two abilities, and converting them into words risks them eventually reaching the eye's of the one they're relevant to.

     Work is everything I could have hoped for and more.  My boss is awesome, my co-workers rock, and I love the job itself.  I have my own office, and a sense of security and joy is bountiful there.  With the gentle pitter-patter of rain against the window overlooking the college campus, I can work in absolute peace and tranquility.  And to top it all off?  Free popcorn.  You heard me: free popcorn.

     So I keep my feelings to myself: nobody really wants to hear them anyway.  They're rather sad and depressing as of late, so I suppose it's probably best to not think of them much at all.  Though, have you ever been sad and had someone tell you not to think of it?  It's not particularly easy.  So I keep my mind occupied: if the music is loud enough, I might be able to drown out the sound of my own thoughts.  People ask me how I am, and I reply: "Somewhere in the middle", because I certainly feel that way.

     Now that I don't have school, I found that I have a bunch of free-time to do what I want to do.  For example, I've been working on a song on FL Studio for a few days now.  I recently ordered a sustain pedal for my MIDI keyboard, and couldn't help but become glued to my piano after testing it out.  I plugged in my MIDI to USB cable, and played the first five or so notes that my fingers fell upon.  The interesting thing about those first notes that I played, though, was that I liked them a lot, and without much thought, made a song with them as the beginning.

     I've had a thought running through my head a lot lately... "My best isn't enough".  It's sort of depressing, I suppose.  I compare and contrast too much when I feel insecure, and that only compounds the problem, because if I compare myself to almost any other guy, I feel greatly inferior and immature.  I feel like people's perception of me is: "Immature, annoying, emotionally unstable, incompetent, lacking in common sense, a know it all, nerd (not in the good way), insensitive, weak, lame" etc.  I could go on for a bit more, but I think it would just strengthen people's negative perspectives of me.

     It didn't even take any work, it made me so happy.  The joy of making a beautiful sounding song with a similar amount of ease to moving one's hands through water is an exceptional joy indeed.  I suppose making music is just like swimming: it's frightening at first, and you feel that you're not good enough, and that you'll never succeed; however, after enough practice, you learn, and it becomes as simple as breathing.  Now, the difficult part is going to be increasing my skills.  A professional swimmer is no noob: they've trained for years; they've trained hard.  The same goes for making music.  If one wants to become truly great, they're gonna have to work up their skill (unless they're a prodigy  [I'm not] ).

     I tend to compare myself to my brother's a lot...  What do they have that I don't?  I hate it when I ask myself that question, because I answer myself with a long list.  They have a bunch of things that I don't have. In fact, maybe the better question to ask would be: "What do I have that they don't?".  They're funny and relaxed, whereas I become nervous around girls.  People enjoy talking to them, whereas I seem to bore/annoy people.  All too often lately, I see girls choosing to talk to them rather than me.  No big deal, I know; but still, it causes just a bit of pain.

   Sometimes I hear a song that perfectly describes how I feel *cough cough, Relient K's music*.  When I hear songs like that... it makes me wish I could put my emotions into song form like that.  This is one of the things that pushes me to keep making music.  I hope that I can make my best enough for people.  Maybe someday, I could communicate my emotions through some songs, and people might finally begin to understand me, or at least have empathy for me.

     Hazah, look at that... I've managed to blend my contrasting two stories into one at the end.  This wasn't very poetic, I apologize (I'm sure you could find a sentence or two that's profound sounding), but this was an update on some of the events that are occurring in my life, as well as a blurry glimpse at the tip of the iceberg of my emotional state as of late.  If you actually took the time to read all of this, then I thank you: I don't know who you are, but it means a lot.

     Sincerely,

     - Me

Imogen Heap - Hide and Seek

Just a song I enjoy... brings back memories.