The Oak Tree

My favorite tree in the world sat upon a hill near my house.  I lived in the country, and much of my landscape consisted of fields and empty dirt roads.  I had a few siblings, but I liked to keep to myself.  I’d spend my time wandering through barns and old buildings, fighting off evil and creating an adventure around every corner. But my favorite pastime was to take in the world from the Oak tree on the hill.

Now sitting atop one of the great tree’s branches, I observed the surrounding countryside. With sunset in the distance, orange exploded in every direction.  The brilliantly colored leaves rustled softly as the cool Autumn breeze surrounded me.

This was where I felt the most like myself.  The Oak tree reminded me of my fondest memories, and inspired some of my greatest dreams.  I came here when I was filled with sorrow to let it spill into the wind, or when I was most happy so I could share it with my world.  It didn’t matter my mood, I loved this place all the same.

But then one evening, as I tried to sleep through the sound of howling wind and pounding rain, I was startled to my feet by a sound I’ll not soon forget.

Without warning or explanation, a bolt of molten energy twisted wildly through the air.  From the dark clouds to my beloved tree, a flash catalyzing flame.

I ran up the hill the next morning. However, after reaching the top, my knees gave way, and I fell to the ground in tears.  My tree had vanished; my dreams shattered.

As hot streams fell from my face, I found it impossible to move. I realized it wasn’t that I couldn’t move, but that I didn't want to.  My adventuring ceased out of effect of emotional paralysis.  My tree never grew back, and neither did I.

Loneliness

Today I felt exceedingly lonely...  It's difficult to explain the sheer magnitude of what I felt.  I made my best attempts at converting said emotion into a song, but it mostly ended with me crying softly into the piano.  My fingers curled under the weight of what I felt, and I found myself quite unable to make music efficiently.

I turned to words, thinking I would convert the emotion into words, at least.  But alas, that too failed, rendering me no major outlet for the pain; I was simply to endure it, and feel the extent of it fully.

Like a powerful river sweeping one off of their feet, so this stream of memories and emotions took their toll on me in causing a crack in the glass that holds back my inner sorrow from manifesting itself in my eyes.

Maybe I don't belong here.. Maybe I'd have better friends elsewhere

People who genuinely care about me; not just my brothers or people close to me.  Not because I'm useful or knowledgeable about things they need to know in the moment.. But people who have a real desire to be my friend, because they like me.

Maybe someday I'll meet people who don't just consider me an acquaintance that they talk to during social gatherings; a person to say 'hi' to every now and then, to try and make sure I don't feel lonely.

What if I'm not as messed up as I think?  What if it's just that I'm not around the right people.. these people just aren't wired right to love me.

Okay, something happened just a few seconds ago.  At the time of me writing this, it is now 2:06 A.M. I had made mention earlier of people only talking to me when they need me for something, namely important information that they need in the moment.  Well, one of the people I was referring to when writing this texted me just now.  My heart soared, and then I felt suddenly very sorry for feeling such things and writing all of this.  However, upon reading the text, my attitude changed..  All she texted me for was asking me a computer question.  No more.  No hello, now 'how are you?'.  Nothing.  Alas, time to take back my rightful place as one who is used, but never loved.  It seems that's been my role all along.

Though, ironic, isn't it?  I thought if I could be helpful enough, useful enough, great enough, people would love me.  But it turns out, I must just have something inherently wrong with my personality.  If only I hadn't a desire to feel loved, then life would be a lot easier.

Man, I have a really unstable emotional state right now, I sound much younger than I am.  I suppose this is me opening up nearly to the very core of who I am.. Maybe we're all still children at the depths of who we are, wondering what we're supposed to do with all these responsibilities time has thrown at us as we aged.

I have had one constant through this.  Why should I feel so downcast?  I have God, the Creator of the universe who loves me, and desires my love back even more so than I desire the love of these people who neglect me.  I have a constant, this is true.  For that, I am thankful.  Although, it does still hurt.

I need to go to bed; I'm going on an adventure tomorrow, to another land where there is someone who values my friendship, and not for the wrong reasons either.

Goodnight.

I Think I Got Something In My Eyes, Hold Up

And with an almost sudden shock;
a sort of unsettling fear,
I realized I was crying.

But how could that be?
I thought I lost that ability...
Yet water filled my eyes.

Ah, now I see; I understand.
my emotions for this girl are now out of hand...
And I fear for the worst, yet again.

Pain Medication

I found some lyrics that I was working on sometime last year, I believe.  I decided I'll push them out, since I'm in a mood to release some of my unreleased writings.

"I need an injection of pain and rejection;

My emotional suicide therapy.

See I can't feel pain if I can't feel love,

so it turns out I'd rather be numb.

The pain must destroy me,

Nothing less than unbearable.

A fatal stab wound that burns to heal,

I think I'm dying, but I'm somehow alive.

With every new wound, I lose more of me.

The pain is so common, I forgot how to feel.

A brokenness so bitter never tasted so sweet,

I've become nothing. Why would I care?

I look around in apathy, ecstatic: what is this?!

It might appear I'm free; yes indeed! who was she?

But then something happened; something cracked, and it broke.

The wall of my protection!  The memory again now, free...

I remembered to remember, that I never forgot.

If I never forgot, then the pain never stopped.

I'll never forget you, and this love won't die,

Forever and always.. I'm sorry, goodbye."

Scratch

I wrote this at work a few days ago.

Unfortunately it appears that there is a pattern in my now sparse writings, and it's not a pleasant one.

Scratch

It tears within, and all falls apart.

Beats are fading, the blood from my heart.

I scream in silence, but no one can help me.
Violent desperation, my unspoken plea.

Dig nails through the ground,
as I’m drug further down.

Inescapable; anti-simplicity,
I watch in horror, as it burns down the city.

Each page floats up; a soft half-ferrule of flame.
The ink glows white hot, then only ashes remain.

Tears take energy, that I’ve grown too poor to afford.

Truly, now, my only hope is in The Lord.

Haazeientiac, the dark magnum-opus.
Fearful neuroplasticity, entangles and warps us.

“Chaos!” it cries,
I seemingly die.

Whatever might come,
let it be done.

Maybe I’ll learn how to cry.
With God, I’ll surely survive.

The Voice in My Head

This is an old poem I wrote November 5th, 2013.

Now you see: ‘Written’ is ‘speaking’,

and ‘by me’ is ‘about me’.

I heard a voice whisper to me,

yet I couldn’t see it.

At that moment was when I thought:

“I can’t see a thing!”

My eyes darted from left to right,

Left to right again.

The little pools of black on white?

Now I was confused!

Though it all made perfect sense;

I heard every word,

I did not understand what

the voice was saying.

Up down, and up down,

oh how profound!

Now I see let’s read it again.

This poem was written - by me.

Water Fall, Water Fall Now

"No."  "Please stop...", I whispered in silence.
"Don't do this.  What are you?" thoughts whirled.

I saw a vision: my city burned,
The charred remains of who I was.

"I won't let that happen." I told myself.
"I'm strong enough, I can stop this." I resolved.

The flames had crept through the cracks,
molten tongues of fire licked the foundations of ideas.

"Stop.  Stop right now." I firmly stated.
"I forbid you to carry on." I commanded.

The city glowed orange now,
smoke covered the skies.

"How did I let this happen?" I cried.
"This was supposed to be over by now.." I wept.

The city burned, and I let it happen.
People died, and I listened.

"No more!" I screamed.
"It ends here!" I cried out.

The charred remains of who I was.
Love nearly dead, what happened here?
Who was I?  What could I have been?
Has all been lost?  Or is there hope?

"Living Water, put out the flames."
My life is your forever. - Amen.